August 6th, 2004
Done
Ok, that's it. I'm out.
Posted by fad at 6:43pm
Bananas
Finally, the answer to everything.Actor Matt Dillon, the star of films such as Singles and There's Something About Mary, has been cast in a new film based on the Herbie series.I had planned to kill myself this weekend, but knowing there is a new Herbie movie being made has saved my life.
The 40-year-old star will reportedly star alongside Michael Keaton and Lindsay Lohan in Herbie: Fully Loaded
Posted by fad at 6:37pm
Hide His Bullets
Some people are there for us to laugh at.Patterson's .22-caliber pistol, hooked into the waistband of his denim shorts with the hammer pulled back, apparently fired, hitting Patterson in the left buttock Wednesday afternoon.Note for you little leaguers our there: putting a gun in your pants with the hammer back may have consequences.
"At first, I didn't feel anything at all," said Patterson, who talked readily about the incident Thursday at his parents' Bristow home.He knew then what to do.
"Then about 30 seconds later, I felt that burning, stinging," he said.
He felt something warm trickling down his left leg and found an exit wound.
Patterson said he walked into his parents' home and said, "Mom, I did something bad."Luckily he's ok and didn't have the chance to barneyfife anyone else.
Posted by fad at 6:26pm
Ethel Still Cold
It has been a bad day to be in showbusiness.Just hours before its owner, rocker Alice Cooper, was to take the stage at a theater in Wallingford last weekend, the 8-foot-long snake ate a live rat and then swallowed a 12-by-14 inch heating pad, wires and all, that had been left in its cage by mistake.Thankfully the snake was treated and is recovering. None of you will have to suffer through a snakeless Alice Cooper show.
Posted by fad at 6:10pm
Celebwatch
Rick James is dead.Abe Vigoda is not.
(And please, for God's sake, don't do the Chappelle's Show joke that 80 kajillion others have already made)
Posted by fad at 5:55pm
Not Ha Ha Funny
Gee, this must explain my general hilarity.Mankato has been named America's funniest city. The southern Minnesota city scored 76 out of 100 on a humor index devised by Shoebox greeting card company.I spent my last couple years of college in Mankato, and while I can say it still has the best hot wings I've ever had (Tav on the Ave), I can't say it was all that heavy on the ha-has. Well, except that one time one of my friends started singing "Go you Packers, Go! Go!" really loud just as some Vikings' staff came walking out of a bar. This could be bitterness, as my version of funny didn't much match up there.
Shoebox surveyed residents nationwide on their habits of watching TV comedy and whether they consider themselves funny or witty.Well, shit, I have to think asking people if they "consider themselves funny or witty" is almost as scientific as a stick waving. Pretty much everyone qualifies, then. Including all those people who think "Repug" for Republican, "Smirking Chimp" for Bush, "Dummocrat" for Democrat or "Paleostonian" for Palestinian is the height of cleverness and wit.
The number of Shoebox greeting cards sold in the city was also a factor.I need to start a line of greeting cards.
Posted by fad at 5:43pm
I Know Nothing
Random movie I've never seen but pretty much everyone else has:The Shawshank Redemption
Posted by fad at 12:47pm
Weirdos
Damn. Looks like I have to cross off Dutchland as a potential vacation spot.Toe-licking could become a criminal offense in the Netherlands after a man who licked the toes of several women was released by police without charges.First they went after careful observation of the one you care most about by giving it a dark name like "stalking", now this. What will be left to us, I ask you?
The toe-licker, whose name was not released, was arrested in Rotterdam earlier this week after a woman who had been sunbathing said he unexpectedly licked her bare foot.
Posted by fad at 11:02am
Whoops
Let's play some Jeopardy! I'll take "Workplace Potables" for $600, Alex.One good thing about no one else being in the office.
What is, "When you suddenly realize you're singing Depeche Mode's 'Black Celebration' for no good goddamn reason"?
Correct!
Posted by fad at 10:49am
Idiots
"Hey, we can't let all those anti-Jew shitheads get all the headlines. We're fucking wastes, too you know!"Vandals painted swastikas on the graves of France's Muslim servicemen at a military cemetery in eastern France, officials said Friday.Yeah, but not very creative wastes since they use the same vandalism. Of course this could be the violently anti-immigrant side of the neo-shithead shitheads instead of the more specific anti-Jew shitheads. Something tells me there's a lot of shitover amongst the types to desecrate graves.
[...]
Several cemeteries containing Muslim graves were vandalized in a similar manner in June.
Posted by fad at 7:24am
Enjoy the Silence
Senator Patty Murray (D - What's Up With That Haircut) launched her re-election campaign.Democrat Sen. Patty Murray officially kicked off her campaign for a third term yesterday, boasting of her record in bringing federal money to Washington and vowing to "stand up for our values and fight for our state."She then said, "And we're going to build schools and roads and hospitals just like that fine bin Laden fellow."
"I would welcome 39 debates with Sen. Murray," said Nethercutt, who has said he'd like to debate the incumbent in every county.This is likely in reference to the fact that Murray does not debate. In 1998 she did not participate in one debate with her Republican opponent. In fact, when she's running, her handlers do as much as possible to put her in situations that don't require her to speak at all. Which is generally fine with me. I often state how useless and stupid I think those debates are (as well as those stupid, notecardy academic competition debates). The reason she doesn't debate is that she would lose every time. Not necessarily because she isn't the most qualified, but that she's just a really, really bad speaker. Well, and she sometimes Marge Schotts out a statement that sounds like she's praising that great humanitarian, Osama bin Laden.
Posted by fad at 7:04am
Ok, So They Didn't
John Kerry: Swell guy!Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said Thursday that America remains a nation divided along racial and economic lines, and pledged to "lift up those who are left out."Putting his words into action, he, his wife and John Edwards all agreed to immediately divest all their assets except that which they truly needed just day to day into an account which will pay 7,500 of the neediest families $40,000 this year. After which there was punch and pie.
Posted by fad at 6:54am
This Is A Post
My thanks to the few of you who registered yesterday. Representatives from Homeland Security and the Justice Department will be visiting you sometime in the night when you least expect it.After the last couple days' hilarity from the humorless (some background here), I had originally planned to make this "Read Way The Hell Too Much Into Everything Day"*. However, this morning I realized it is Friday, and I'm just too lazy to put forth even that much effort. So usual crap it will be. I promise there will be at least three, yes a whole three!, more posts than this one today for your distractory pleasure.
*Such as, "Curious he would use a phrase like 'black and white'. Why bring a racial element into this? Clearly he lists 'black' first in a poor attempt to hide his seething racism, plus whenever faced with an issue his mind immediately wishes to blame "the other", in this case African-Americans. However, we can see through this attempt to hide because we know, since he disagrees with us, he is by definition a racist."
Posted by fad at 6:03am
August 5th, 2004
I Don't Know Why
Beneath this flabby chest pounds the heart of an artist desperate to break free. I have so much to give society; so much to teach society. Sometimes the knowledge of what I have hurts so much, I cannot stand it.Unfortunately, I cannot draw, nor can I paint. I cannot write, whether it be verse or prose. I cannot sing, nor play any instrument. But I know there must be some way for me to share myself with society. There just has to be a way.
And there is. Performance!
Yes, I shall make society itself, with all its norms and mores, my medium. Its rituals and forms my tools. All the things people do to keep themselves in the happy dark, unaware of all the manipulations around them, I shall use to awaken them.
I spent weeks in planning. I knew that I would have to be ready for any reaction, any situation. The better prepared I was to react, the faster I would be able to. Success depended on this. I also needed to determine the proper venue. A captive -- yet voluntary and unaware -- audience was required. I knew exactly the place: The 68th St. Theatre.
I had seen a couple shows there and knew it was a place where the Avant are en garde. They would make a great workshop audience -- especially since they would be most likely to appreciate what I was doing for them. Coming up next Thursday was a showing of local playwright Michelle Lemm's "Where My Finger Roamed". That is when I would premiere.
Seating for the show was at tables, chaired to face the stage. I sat alone at 10B, on the left side with two rows between the stage and me. The pre-show entertainment of folk-banjo was stirring as always. Showing up early gave me plenty of time to enjoy that as well as heady wine from the cooperative. Then it was time for their show to begin, but mine was yet to come.
Twenty minutes in. That was how long I was going to wait. I wasn't sure at what part in the show that would be, but that really didn't matter. Twenty minutes, and then it was time. At seventeen, the actors began peeling their oranges in silence. I feared the silence would continue. It had to happen at twenty minutes, but not in silence. Thankfully, within a minute and a half one of them broke into a speech about peeling and a vagina. Nineteen minutes, forty-five seconds I cleared my throat and prepared my breathing. Nineteen minutes and fifty-eight seconds, I drew in my breath. Twenty minutes. Now was my time. I let it go.
"YOU SUCK!!!!"
Everyone froze. Stage, floor, doors. Everywhere they were looking at me. I had shattered the wall between audience and stage. Sure, I had seen performances attempt this before -- many of them at this very theatre.. Two years before I had seen a production of "Hair" in which the players mingled with the audience, often times challenging them with questions political and philosophical. They were all dressed in tribal gear. The women barely contained and the men in loose loincloths. I was in the front row and one fellow chose to squat there in front of me whenever he was on stage. They really confronted the audience with the message and their own sense of comfort, They were trying to break down that wall between audience and stage, but it wasn't enough. The stage was still in control of the whole affair. In my performance, neither was in control.
In the silence I heard a quiet, "What the....?" I was ready for that. They were just shaken; the barrier wasn't totally shattered yet. I had not yet broken them from their participation in the traditional rituals of audience/stage dichotomy. I knew what was needed.
"YOU HEARD ME! YOU SUCK!!!"
A young man at the table next to me, his hair carefully unkempt, his hand entwined with the hand of a pale woman with horned rim glasses, floor length skirt with snakey tattoos serpentining both arms, looked me up and down and said, "What the hell is the matter with you?"
Aha! I had started a conversation! Fantastic! But this conversation was not about me; it was about them. Thankfully, I was ready for this too.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
The conversation was turned back on them to what was important. This question was for everyone there. They had to question their "why". I knew my "why": to start a conversation!
"Sit down, you fat fuck!"
I whipped around to look to the back-right of the theater. Excellent! Our conversation had stripped them of their societal niceness to reveal the barely masked anger and bigotry. Time to confront that so that they can become aware of these flaws and work through them.
"FUCK YOU!"
When bigotry rears, the last thing it expects is a strong response from its target. This turns the bigotry on its side, and confuses the person afflicted with it. I could see through the dim that this indeed take him aback. I had hoped to continue that part of our conversation, but before I could the ushers arrived to try to re-establish the norms. It was sadly comical to see two stoned, lanky teenagers representing the dominate power structure, but there they were. To avoid any violence, I sat on the floor, refusing to move. Eventually, yes, I was dragged out by the police, but I hope that everyone there took our conversation home with them in their hearts. They needed to continue questioning their "why", and I wasn't always going to be there to facilitate them.
So you see, you honor, just because my audience -- at the time, at least -- was incapable of understanding my art, does not mean that it should not be protected. I would hope you would not here today continue governmental destruction of art and silencing of new voices. Not guilty should be the judgment so that history will not judge you.
Posted by fad at 9:50pm
Hopefully Later Today or Tomorrow
After consultations with my lawyers and my ego, I have been advised not to attempt any posting for at least this morning. In the meantime, in accordance with Section 66vi of the PATRIOT Act, otherwise known as the Blog Readership Registration For Later Camp Sorting provision, please fill this out.
Or don't. They still have ways of tracking you.
Posted by fad at 6:47am
Beep Beep Beep
You hear that beeping? That's the sound of John Kerry driving the Hindsight Bus."Had I been reading to children and had my top aide whispered in my ear, 'America is under attack,' I would have told those kids very politely and nicely that the president of the United States had something that he needed to attend to -- and I would have attended to it,"Mr. Kerry (I call you Mr. because you sure as hell haven't been fulfilling your duties as Senator), you don't know what you would have done in that moment. This is like saying had you seen Lincoln shot, you would have had the wherewithal to jump down on that stage and get John Wilkes Booth before he escaped the Ford's Theater. This statement neither defends, nor attacks, President Bush's reaction, nor does it suggest you would have reacted poorly. No one knows precisely what they would do in such a situation. To suggest you do -- remembering the unprecedentness of that day -- is foolishly arrogant.
Posted by fad at 5:56am
August 4th, 2004
Paging Dr. Moreau
Yeah, most of these are disturbing.
Posted by fad at 5:27pm
Don't Forget They're Nice! Too
As if the people of Minneapolis needed more reason to be insufferable.A new study takes that principle a step further, ranking the USA's "most literate" cities not by how many residents can read, but by various measures of how many do. And by those measures, Minneapolis is the most literate, El Paso, the least.They can now add that to the litany of, "Did you know Prince is from Minneapolis?" "Did you know the skyway/walk was invented in Minneapolis?" "Did you know the first mall was in Minneapolis?" that they all insist on telling you so that you'll understand just how super it is there.
"Everybody, when they think of literacy, thinks of in-school test scores," says the study's author, Jack Miller, a longtime education researcher and chancellor of the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater. "I think there has been way too much focus on the test-score part of it, and not enough on whether or not people behave in literate ways. And that's really the real goal of an education."God help me if I ever "behave in literate ways". Thankfully I'm too goddamn stupid -- and know I am -- to be too worried about that.
Oh, and full disclosure: I attended the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater for two years. Outside the history department, it was an educational shithole.
(My apologies to any Minnesotans. I've had unpleasant experiences with some people up there that I have happily turned into a bigotry.)
Posted by fad at 3:51pm
Damn KTLA ReRuns
Attention! Attention! Authorities have authorized me to issue a Level IV Storch Alert. Repeat, this is a Level IV Storch Alert.In the first of a host of August cast changes to occur in the Broadway production of Larry Gelbart's Sly Fox, Larry Storch will replace Peter Scolari as the Police Chief Aug. 3.He's definitely scores way the hell up there on the, "Huh...He's Still Alive?" scale.
Posted by fad at 3:45pm
Bleah
Sorry, folks, all that seems to be burbling in my mind are ponderous, boring, obvious election related posts. Hopefully I'll refind the funny soon. Maybe another cat sacrifice is in order. Or maybe more porn. That hasn't worked to this point, but as with all solutions that aren't working for societal ills, that just means more of the same is required.
Posted by fad at 1:35pm
He's Not Funny
Can't get enough Al Franken? If so, please, don't touch my stuff.Satirist-commentator Al Franken's radio show will start appearing on cable's Sundance Channel, beginning Sept. 7.And remember, this is perfectly fine. But if some people and I want to pool our money together to buy TV time to discuss a specific candidate and the issues, that's illegal and out of bounds with the first amendment, according to the new finance regulations.
[...]
The "Franken" TV hour is scheduled through the November election, but could continue on Sundance indefinitely.
Posted by fad at 1:03pm
Equal People Think Equal Thoughts
Ah, nothing like the totalitarian's notion of "equal".The wife of Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Abdullah defended wearing the veil, compulsory for women in the kingdom,It's a different world from mine that considers compulsory sameness to be the same as "equality".
[...]
["]This modest, conservative dress makes people equal and is a symbol of our religion.''
''We respect our traditions and culture and the religion of others; why doesn't the West respect our reality and life and thoughts?["]Which is why Christians and Jews get to worship openly there... Whazzat? They don't? Zionist LIES!
["]Everyone must know that, especially for woman, we have our traditions and culture and we will not give them up. The Saudi woman is generally happy with this situation.''If so, then don't require it. Those who are happy with it will gladly continue (and I'm sure many would). Oh, but state imposed "equality" is just so much easier, I suppose.
Posted by fad at 11:29am
Ahht
I love going to museums, particularly art museums. No, I don't understand a damn thing; I'm far too much of a fucking moron to actually get anything grand or understand any of the art. I just like to look at stuff. When I first read this story, I didn't realize I'd misread it.A South African museum is to open an exhibition of 17th Century Dutch Master paintings all hung the wrong way around with the artwork facing the wall.I thought that meant they would be completely obscured. I'd be right pissed if I went to a show and all the paintings were obscured to make some stupid point that I'm too stupid to really get anyway. But then I read more carefully because comprehension is a good thing.
"I'm asking questions about the history," Lamprecht said, adding the reverse of the paintings revealed a wealth of detail not normally on view to the public, ranging from old attempts to preserve the canvas to notes from various collectors.Now that sounds really cool. I think I'd actually love to see that (though I do come a couple pennies short for an impulse trip to South Africa). I think it would be like one of my favorite things to do in a museum (well...besides that). I liked to wear my glasses (back when I had glasses that agreed with my eyes over the prescription), then take them off and allow the fuzziness of my myopia to let me see the shapes of the works. And if something has stripes or fine lines, then my astigmatism really kicks in the fun.
"These are fascinating things to see from behind," he said.That goes for many things.
Posted by fad at 7:26am
Pipples and Ships
But forget all that election nonsense, the important news is that one of the great movies of all time is finally out on DVD. Now to sell some blood so I can buy it.(Found at Demure Thoughts.)
Posted by fad at 6:54am
August 3rd, 2004
Polls Close at 7pm
Missouri folks, don't forget thar be votin' today. Even if, like me, you don't belong to a party so don't vote in those primaries, there are a couple amendments and other issues lying around looking for your attention. They always try to sneak those things into the off elections and primaries.OH YEAH: Results will be found here after polls close.
UPDATE: Civic duty is done. My dedication to democracy? I walked the nearly 2 miles round trip to the polling place in this weather (95 degrees/feels like 107) to vote on only 3 issues. Which is nothing considering others are fighting and dying to bring that right to others who risk their lives merely by trying to register to vote. As for turnout, my polling place has 1200 or so registered voter. I was voter #523.
Posted by fad at 11:31am
August 2nd, 2004
Book Bookity Book Book Book
A very important figure from my childhood, whose name I did not know 'til now, has died at age 95.Lilian Moore, a writer of books for children, a poet and an editor who helped make children's books more affordable and worked to combat racial stereotypes in children's literature, died July 20 at her home in Seattle, said her son, Jonathan. She was 95.I don't believe I ever read anything she wrote, but for this I will always be thankful to her.
A longtime resident of New York City, Ms. Moore was an editor at Scholastic when she suggested in 1957 that the company make its books more accessible by offering low-cost paperbacks through the mail; there were few paperback books for children at the time. She became the first editor of Scholastic's Arrow Book Club, a series of inexpensive editions for pupils in the fourth through sixth grades, and the Lucky Book Club, a similar program for younger readers.Those book clubs are a huge part of my memories from early school years. I remember pouring over the cheap newspaper-like sheets picking my books, then negotiating with my parents for which ones and how many we could afford. And then the day the big box of books arrived to be sorted and handed out....ahhhh..the remembered excitement of youth.
So my thanks to Lilian Moore. I would never have done as much reading then, or perhaps even later, if not for those clubs (not to mention the great magazines "Hot Dog" and "Dynamite"!).
Posted by fad at 6:29am