March 5th, 2005
Posted As If Anyone Would Care
The final version (meaning not that it's good or cleaned up, but that I ain't gonna work on it no more) of part 2 of Eager Jimmy's Fellowship of the Ring review is up. Part 1 can be found here.For those wondering what the hell these are, Eager Jimmy is a character I created about 5 or 6 years ago to entertain myself and a couple friends. He's a Pabst loving loser who writes really stupid synopses of movies. I still dash one out -- quite literally as they are almost always written in one sitting, given a once over and then posted whether good or not -- every now and again because it amuses me. Your tastes will likely vary.
Posted by fad at 3:03pm
March 4th, 2005
Weightlifting
Ok, I think I'll call it here. I'm really sorry for the shitty week.
Posted by fad at 5:57pm
Fire Bad
This news will get those all raw food vegan folk creaming.The major source of potentially climate-changing soot in the air over south Asia is home cooking fires, according to a team of Indian and American researchers.So all this time it has really been your sick need to destroy the pure goodness of food through the unnatural process of cooking. I hope you feel a level of shame about of yourselves equal to my disgust at your actions.
[...]
The effect of soot in the air over the Indian Ocean is some 10 times that of the so-called greenhouse gases
Posted by fad at 4:19pm
Still Acting All Weird
No wonder Cher was in such a rush to get her pool cleaned.Singer and actress Cher is suing Warner/Chappell Music Inc. for breach of contract on claims that it failed to pay royalties estimated at more than $250,000.The money must have been getting tight, and she wanted to get it clean before she ran out.
The lawsuit, filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Thursday, alleges that the music publisher has not paid song and performance royalties for the last four years.
Posted by fad at 3:17pm
After All It's For Science
Maybe this recipe could help my face.One recipe advises to take "2 Puppies before they can see, chopp of their heads & hang them up by the heels to bleed," then mix with white wine to rid the patient of unsightly pimples.Since the problem isn't pimples, I wonder if I could substitute kittens? Welp, only one way to find out.
Posted by fad at 2:36pm
The Excitement Never Stopped Up There
Exciting news from where I used to live.Game warden Tim Price had to see it to believe it when a woman reported she saw a wild bighorn sheep next to the interstate in Walworth County.People drinking in Walworth County? Heavens! I'm surprised no one tried to link it to the monster that supposedly haunted the trees and waters along Highway H. It was supposed to be bigfootish, but with a more wolf-like snout.
[...]
"When we came home and told Lauri's husband, he thought we both had been drinking."
Posted by fad at 1:35pm
Could Have Made Very Offensive
Extremists in Florida are at it again.Some 49 dolphins stranded themselves Wednesday off the Florida Keys and more than 20 were in a nearby canal or boat channel, officials said.Look, these dolphins just want to die with a little dignity. They don't want some handsy wannabe marine biologist shoving them back into the unwelcoming sea.
[...]
"Right now the stranding network is busy stabilizing all the dolphins,"
Posted by fad at 12:23pm
For Girls!
I've mentioned before my morbid fascination with this restaurant next to where I work. It's one of those family style places that caters to old people and large, ugly families. The waitresses are all rode-hard, the booth seats all cracked and sunken. In other words, it reeks of "Classy!".Like most of these places, it has a few little gumball machines and toy dispensers in the foyer. A few days ago, for the first time, I really took a look at one of them and saw this (image is freakin' huge, sorry). That's right, little temporary tattoos for the small of the back you can buy if you already have your Spider-Man and Captain America stickers. Here's a closer look (huge again). The "actual size" of these things is no more than 4 or 5 inches across, so you can guess for what age they were designed. I thought about buying one for my forehead.
Posted by fad at 12:09pm
Invasion
Want to kill a little time today? Well, this might help. Warning: has really loud, annoying and stupid sound.
Posted by fad at 11:24am
Titi Monkeys!
The monkey naming auction is over. You did not fulfill your destiny by winning it for me. There will be consequences.The winning bidder, who outbid Ellen DeGeneres, chose to remain anonymous for nowBah! You even let Ellen outbid you! C'mon, the winning bid was just a lousy $650,000.
The species of titi monkey - which is about a foot tall and has a brown body, a golden crown, orange cheeks and a white-tipped tail - was discovered by a Wildlife Conservation Society scientist in Madidi National Park in Bolivia last yearA lesser person would use the involvement of Ellen and the fact that this is a "titi" monkey to make a suggestive joke. Me? I always take the high road. Wait. No. I always order a highball. That's it.
Posted by fad at 9:49am
Wonder If He'll Be Tried As An Adult
"8-year-old arrested after alleged trantrum"Police arrested an 8-year-old boy who allegedly had a violent outburst in school, head-butting his teacher and kicking an assistant principal, when he was told he couldn't go outside to play with other students.Never thought I'd see a story that needed "alleged" in front of "tantrum".
Stout said the chair-tossing, desk-turning outburst occurred after a teacher, and later the assistant principal, attempted to stop the boy from joining his classmates.Dude's got "Rock Star" written all over his future.
Posted by fad at 9:41am
Fat Face
So part of the fun of the last few days is that he left side of my face looks like it was attacked by Melanie Griffith's collagen gun. It started with what looked like a zit above my eyebrow, but now appears to be a blocked duct type thing. Then a day later this knot in my jaw just outside my ear showed up. So more swelling from that. Thankfully it's not really getting any worse, just not better yet.And that was your "personal information no one wanted to fucking know" post of the day.
UPDATE: Oh, and all the "I am not an animal!" and Mask jokes have been made.
Posted by fad at 9:30am
Stupid Rambles Need The Most Attention
Before comments for old posts got closed, one of fun things were comments from angry people obviously doing searches about whatever was cricking their craw so they could rant in whatever random forum they could find, no matter how old or no matter the site. A recent, mild version, happened here.My favorite, though, was when I made some lame joke off the story of some militia dude (who also, I think, believed he was a prophet) being convicted of something. A few days later, this nice long angry comment from his supposed daughter showed up yelling at me for insulting this obvious patriot who just wanted to defend his family and his nation from all the forces of darkness in the world.
That wasn't the good part, though. About 10 minutes after that comment, another one showed up from some guy saying something like, "I just happened to swing by here and saw this story for the first time. I have to completely agree with the daughter. This is a terrible travesty and a sign of an out of control government going after Christian patriots who just want to defend their family and true nation."
Of course both comments came from the same IP.
Posted by fad at 9:22am
March 2nd, 2005
Go Out On A High Note
Well, I thought I'd seen just about every Elijah Wood search combo I was going to see. Most of them involve either his penis size or status of a girlfriend (for which search I am #2 behind this place). But thanks to some friendly person in the UK, I can now add elijah wood fisting to my collection. Thank you, kind internet travelor!
Posted by fad at 5:44pm
Un Momentito, Señor
Strange that during this stretch when the name "Eichman" has been all about, the man who nabbed him has died.Peter Malkin, the Mossad agent who nabbed top Nazi official Adolf Eichmann on a Buenos Aires street in 1960 has died in New York, Israeli media reported Wednesday. He was 77.Well, not really strange, but felt like mentioning it.
Posted by fad at 4:39pm
Sah-Woard
Sword attacks are a theme around here, though I'm too lazy to finally give them their own category. However, it is the naked sword attack that is the perfection of the form.Police say a nude [man] was in his yard when his neighbors complained.Please also consider that this happened in Iowa. In late February/early March. I'm still amazed at how many people have swords handy.
Officers say the neighbors asked [him] to put on some clothes. Instead of getting his drawers, officers say [he] came back out with a sword and threatened the people.
Posted by fad at 12:51pm
Pin Dancing
Will someone shut that door! I'm not paying to gravity all the other dimensions in the neighborhood.Scientists have known since the 1920s that the universe is expanding. In the late 1990s, they realized that it is expanding at an ever-increasing pace. At a loss to explain the stunning discovery, cosmologists blamed it on dark energy, a newly coined term to describe the mysterious antigravity force apparently pushing galaxies outward.What, were you born in a barn?
[...]
But the existence of dark energy is far from proven, and some researchers believe they and their colleagues simply don't understand gravity at larger scales. The gravitational pull between any two objects becomes less with distance. But in Dvali's view, it weakens more than standard theory predicts.
[...]
String theory suggests that gravitons -- hypothetical elementary particles transmitting gravitational forces -- can escape to other dimensions. Dvali says this would cause "leaks" in gravity over cosmic proportions, reducing gravitational pull at larger distances more than expected.
"The gravitons behave like sound in a metal sheet," says Dvali. "Hitting the sheet with a hammer creates a sound wave that travels along its surface. But the sound propagation is not exactly two-dimensional as part of the energy is lost into the surrounding air. Near the hammer, the loss of energy is small, but further away, it's more significant."
The effect is to alter the space-time continuum, speeding up universal expansion.
Posted by fad at 11:21am
A Demand
Someone bring me a sandwich.UPDATE: Never mind. I don't deserve a sandwich.
Posted by fad at 10:16am
Just A Waste Of Time
Since it really isn't worth any more effort, the first part of the Eager Jimmy review of Fellowship of the Ring is posted. Even if no one cares, barring a complete breakdown (the much shorter) part two will be up no later than Sunday.
Posted by fad at 12:01am
March 1st, 2005
Interesting Way To Get Food, Though
A guy I work with twitches every time someone mentions Chuck E. Cheese to him. Though not quite like this.Police found themselves in the crosshairs of public criticism after officers used a Taser stun gun to subdue a man accused of pilfering from a salad bar at a Chuck E. Cheese's pizzeria packed with families and young children.These stories are always really good at not providing enough information to really make a judgement, but I won't let that stop me. Sounds like this might have been a weency bit overboard.
Posted by fad at 3:00pm
Farm Accident Digest Eye Exam (Final)
Ok, you can spit and rinse now.
Posted by fad at 2:57pm
Farm Accident Digest Eye Exam (Cont.)
What is the smallest line you can see and read it please?B U R T O
N H A T E
S Y O U X
Posted by fad at 12:17pm
Farm Accident Digest Eye Exam (Cont.)
Let me know when these two words appear directly on top of each other.floogle
Posted by fad at 10:48am
Living Puppets
I always find it creepy when kids are used to lobby for something. Do these sound like the natural quotes of fifth graders?"The benefits could be healthier bodies, healthier minds, reduced health costs. And exercise can reduce the chance of getting Alzheimer's,"Or
"We saw that the obesity rate index for fifth graders at our school was an outrageous 32 percent,"What's almost creepier is the, "Awww....cute. Lookit 'em parrot what their authority figures told 'em." attitude of "do something; anything!" adults.
Posted by fad at 10:38am
Ability To Communicate With Aquatic Life Could Not Be Reached
"World Powers Demand Palestinian Security Crackdown"Specifically the powers of invisibility and heat vision who have been angling for a Nobel Prize for years now.
Posted by fad at 9:57am
Farm Accident Digest Eye Exam (Cont.)
Three.Or four.
Three,
Orrrrrrrr four.
Posted by fad at 9:29am
Boot To The Head
Maybe it's good I stopped playing after 8th grade.But a new study has found that Italian professional soccer players get the disease at a rate nearly six times as great as the general population.Which is all very curious, but gets even more so with this fact.
[...]
His finding - that Italian players died of A.L.S. at a rate almost 12 times as great as normal - puzzled researchers, who decided to undertake a much more rigorous study.
The new study, however, found not only an increased risk among these Italian athletes, but also that the risk was dose-related: the longer an athlete played, the greater his risk of contracting A.L.S.At the end of the study, they actually know almost as much as when they started; the stats just got tighter.
Perhaps, they say, A.L.S. is related to heavy physical exercise, and therefore not related particularly to soccer.So lots of ideas, but still no real clue. Though playing soccer is still safer than being in the visitors' section at any stadium.
Or maybe trauma, particularly the head trauma involved in heading the ball or repeated traumas involving the legs, is a factor. Illegal or legal therapeutic drugs may also be involved, and it is possible that environmental toxins like fertilizers or herbicides used on soccer fields play a role.
The authors concede, however, that each of these hypotheses has weaknesses, and the puzzle endures.
Posted by fad at 9:28am
Almost Makes Me Consider Bathing. Almost
I don't troll Think Geek, so this is new to me.Scented with peppermint oil and infused with caffeine anhydrous, each bar of Shower shock contains approximately 12 servings/showers per 4 ounce bar with 200 milligrams of caffeine per serving. No, we're not kidding and no you don't eat it. The caffeine is absorbed through the skin...Reviewed here it sounds like the caffeine isn't the only kick in it.
A vegetable-based glycerine soap, Shower Shock is scented with peppermint oil -- lots of peppermint oil. Picture sudsing yourself up with a big breath mint.Sounds like it was designed to cover up even the most Cheeto infested neck bearded geek's Dorito train.
Posted by fad at 8:23am
Farm Accident Digest Eye Exam
One.Or two.
One.
Orrrrrrr two.
Posted by fad at 7:26am
February 28th, 2005
Why Go On
Well, crap. Just when I thought I might have reason to go on living, this happens.Dramatist Harold Pinter has said that he is to give up writing plays and focus on other forms of writing.Bah! Poetry is inaccessible to an idiot like me, so his genius will be forever lost to me from now on! I swear, if I see a dead sparrow on the way home to day, I'm tossing it in.
Speaking on BBC Radio 4's Front Row, the 74-year-old said: "I think I've stopped writing plays now, but I haven't stopped writing poems."
Posted by fad at 4:28pm
'Who's He'
Cuba's scraggly beard is still full of revolution.More than 100,000 workers in Cuba's tourism industry have been ordered to restrict their contact with foreigners to an absolute minimum.Except for those carefully chosen to meet starry eyed students and other revolutionaries to discuss the wonders of Castro if only the big, bad US would leave him alone.
[...]
Everyone who works in Cuba's expanding tourism industry - from bar staff to taxi drivers - is warned to keep a safe distance from foreigners.
Workers are also told to watch their foreign employers and report actions that might threaten Cuba's revolution.How delightful! I once did work at a place that had a woman whose entire career was based on ratting out others. At least in that situation I didn't have to fear being shot or the tiger cage.
Gifts received from foreigners have to be declared. Electronic goods such as video players are expected to be handed over to the ministry for common use.Uh huh, "common use".
Workers are advised that they can attend events at the homes of non-Cubans only with advanced written permission.And only when all their chores are done, which is less of a joke than it should be.
President Fidel Castro has said that recentralisation is enabling the Cuban state to rise again, like a phoenix.Something I'm sure he explained during the course of an 8 hour speech.
Posted by fad at 2:22pm
At Least He Could Get Some
Since most of my search hits already involve stuff like this, I suppose it would be remiss if a site called Farm Accident Digest didn't cover this story.A 63-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.Hey, you get all worked up, gotta do something.
[The man] allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a [local] farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near [by].
[He] told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1963See? 40 years makes it a tradition, and it was traditional values what swung this last election, you know.
and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times,"50 times? Damn. He's a devil with the heifers.
He told police he never had sex with animals while maintaining a relationship with his a [sic] girlfriend or his wifeAt least he's a gentleman and not a cheater.
Posted by fad at 1:17pm
Stupid Farmers
The Indiana legislature will be voting tonight or tomorrow to remain one of the last free places on earth.The Indiana House may vote today or tomorrow on a bill that would mandate daylight-saving time in Indiana.May truth, justice, puppies and babies in flower pots prevail!
Posted by fad at 1:09pm
I Thought I Heard A Saw Earlier
I don't know about you, but the first thing that pops to my mind when I notice that the bosses have lined up a bunch of suitcases in the middle of the office is that someone is about to get dismembered. Now I may or may not be the lucky person about to be scattered to the winds, but should this place go strangely quiet, you'll at least know why.
Posted by fad at 11:49am
I Want To Be An Expert
"Experts: Serial killers crave power"Huh. Really? And here all this time I thought all they craved were nachos. With extra cheese.
Posted by fad at 7:10am
Tangled
Damn fingers pick today of all days to forget all my passwords. Now I actually have to think about them.
Posted by fad at 7:05am
I Hates Them
Welp, the fucking fascists have won.US food giant Kraft has decided to halt production of sweets shaped like roadkill - animals run over by cars.Thanks, humourless assholes. Thanks for being so simple minded you fear a candy could turn a child into a puppy raper. And thanks, Kraft, for being so goddamn pussy you actually think more than 16 people are that goddamn stupid so you're pulling the whole line.
Posted by fad at 6:06am
Everybody Loves Ponies
Class 7 Alert! Ponies are in peril!Bodmin ponies could be abandoned and left to die because of the cost of equine passports, say some owners.How could anyone abandon a pony? They're ponies, for goodness' sake! Wait 'til this news hits the junior highs.
New European rules which start on Monday mean owners must keep a record of drugs in horses.
[...]
"Some of the ponies on the moor are for grazing purposes only.
"The value of the horse is nothing at all, so they'll be abandoned. They won't bother to do anything with them."
Posted by fad at 6:02am
Oscars Crap
Since the Oscars™©ċ stuff was only amusing -- if that -- in context of watching the show at the same time (like knowing that Kirsten Dunst presented with Orlando Bloom makes the Legolas joke make more sense), I took them off the front page as they were just clutter. But if you really want to read them, they are all here. I was going to make it up so that comments link showed up with each post too, but then I remembered I'm lazy and don't care.
Posted by fad at 6:01am
February 27th, 2005
Wanna Buy A Monkey
One nice thing about Oscar™©? time is that it pumps up the "uma oprah" search hits.
Posted by fad at 4:30pm
Site Stuff
Sorry to those who stopped by overnight and this morning to find nothing but a blank page. I was trying to do something with the site last night and messed it up good. I was too lazy and tired to try to fix it last night, so figured blank was better than broke. All appears to be back to normal. You may once again gaze upon my wisdom.
Posted by fad at 12:05pm