January 7th, 2005
As Predicted
Yup. I broke the comments.UPDATE: Appear to be fixed, now.
Posted by fad at 6:46pm
Done
Well, I've done enough stupidity here for the first week of the year. So I think I'll stop now. For those of you who care to, have a good weekend.
Posted by fad at 5:59pm
Wump
They have cast the voice for Marvin in the upcoming Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie.The voice of Marvin will be Alan RickmanSo disappointing. I really was hoping Mickey Rooney was going to get that role.
Posted by fad at 4:06pm
Poking The Bear
I link to this story at the risk of offending some thin-skinned fans, but here goes.A Philadelphia fanatic is heading to federal prison.Gee. A Philly fan. Imagine that.
It took a jury less than two hours Thursday to convict [the] 41-year-old [...] of sending out thousands of e-mails blasting the management of the Philadelphia Phillies.
He had listed sportswriters and team officials as the senders, so spam that bounced back went to them. As a result, people he named had their computers clogged with thousands of messages.
Posted by fad at 1:12pm
A Minor Distraction
Prove how smart you are. Or at least how good and dragging and dropping you are.
Posted by fad at 12:57pm
Failing On My Part
Well, shit. Turns out this wheezing, hacked together system I wrote for this site isn't as spam proof as I hoped. It stopped the asswipe eating shitcream's comment from actually appearing in the post, but I still got the damn email. Why am I telling you this? Because this means I need to do some tinkering, and this tinkering could (and likely will) break things. Just a warning in case you see anything odd.
Posted by fad at 10:46am
Not Quite Sprewell
This will endear him to the fans.Red Sox fans have seen the video over and over again. A ground ball to pitcher Keith Foulke. He tosses it underhand to backup first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz, who raises it high as Boston celebrates its first World Series championship in 86 years.The answer is obvious. Saw it in half. Displayed correctly, no one will notice the difference.
Mientkiewicz still hasn't let go of the ball. But now the Red Sox want it back.
Calling the ball, ``my retirement fund,'' Mientkiewicz stored it in a safety deposit box. Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino said Thursday he's going to ask Mientkiewicz to return it to the team.
[...]
``I know this ball has a lot of sentimental value,'' Mientkiewicz said. ``I hope I don't have to use it for the money. It would be cool if we have kids someday to have it stay in our family for a long time. But I can be bought. I'm thinking, there's four years at Florida State for one of my kids. At least.''
Posted by fad at 10:16am
I Never Could Get Into That Show
More proof that government bureaucracies are out of control.Someone in the Census Bureau may be watching a little too much MTV. Bevis Lake, a 5.7-acre body of water in a forested area about 25 miles northeast of Seattle, is now appearing in Bureau records with a different name: Butthead Lake.There has to be a PATRIOT Act violation in there somewhere.
Posted by fad at 9:50am
Joe Cool
I link to this solely for the picture at the top of the story.
Posted by fad at 7:22am
Something Must Break
Time for your quarterly announcement that an Ian Curtis biopic is being made.The Manchester-based production is called Touching From A Distance, after a book by Curtis's widow Deborah which forms the basis for the film.But wait, wasn't a movie announced just last year?
Music mogul Tony Wilson, who headed the record company Joy Division were signed to, will be co-executive producer.
Plans for a separate Joy Division film had been announced at the Cannes Film Festival earlier this year, but the project did not get off the ground as it failed to get the backing of Curtis's family.And the previously announced project failed for another reason, and the one before that, and the one before that.
The film is to be directed by Dutch-born Anton Corbijn, who has made music movies for Depeche Mode and U2.Stay tuned for some time in late May when the next project is announced after this one falls through.
It will be produced by a US production company, while the widow of Ian Curtis will also be an executive producer.
Posted by fad at 7:18am
A Long Story With No Purpose
I may have told this one before, but it's Friday, so cope. In 1996 one of my friends in school had to have his appendix out. On our way to visit him in the hospital after the surgery, since my friend was completely obsessed with monkeys, one guy bought him a monkey stuffed animal. The type with the velcro hands, so it could hang above his bed. When he got out of the hospital, he brought that monkey back to his room, sat it on top of his TV and had it wear these cheap, plastic VR Troopers glasses he got from Burger King.Since this was spring '96, the election between Clinton and Dole was just going. The Conan O'Brien show had a brilliant string of opening bits with their Clinton and Dole synchro-vox sketches. The Dole one was especially good. One night, as a bunch of us were in his room watching Conan, someone asked him what his monkey's name was. He answered immediately, "Bob Dole!" So, from then on, there sat Bob Dole on top of the TV wearing his VR Trooper glasses. Add in that my friend started doing a version of Dieter from SNL mixed with the Bob Dole on Conan, and things got weirder. "Touch the monkey! Touch Bob Dole! Touch Bob Dole now!"
Forward a couple years, again we are gathered to watch TV in his room (he had the best TV, obviously). This time it was the Simpsons episode where Homer got the helper monkey named Mojo. In a fit of exuberance, my friend declared that Bob Dole was now also Mojo. His name was not changed to Mojo; he was now both Bob Dole and Mojo.
Forward a couple years more, he's now working in an office with a bunch of people who are very aware of his monkey obsession. So they bought him a pair of slippers with a monkey head on each. He loved the slippers and, of course, called one Bob Dole and the other Mojo.
He would leave the slippers at work, so one night, after he went home, his coworkers kidnapped Bob Dole. One of them was just about to take a trip to Washington D.C., so took Bob Dole with him. He took pictures of the slipper in front of D.C. landmarks such as the Whitehouse. They then set up a website to post the pictures, sending my friend an anonymous email to see them.
At first he thought they were just photoshopped and kept demanding his monkey back. Now they knew they had to expand the prank. They contacted me asking if I'd like to play along, which, of course, I did. Bob Dole was mailed to St. Louis, and we took him down to the Arch for some pictures. Then, as it happened, the next day I was flying home to Seattle to visit my folks. I took Bob Dole with me and took pictures of him by the Space Needle and Microsoft. Then he was mailed to California for the next phase.
By the end of it all, Bob Dole saw most of America and, though memory fails a bit, maybe some of Europe before being returned. Everytime a new picture showed up on the site, everyone was spammed with an email from my friend which basically just said, "GIVE ME BACK MY GODDAMN MONKEY!!!"
Posted by fad at 6:57am
Yes, I Know The Bunt Cake Guy Died
Trent Lott is bringing the inauguration pork home.When Sen. Trent Lott fell from grace with his Republican colleagues two years ago and resigned as majority leader, he was given a variety of lesser assignments that included heading up arrangements for the next inauguration — the swearing-in, not the fun parts like the balls and parade.That'll get the freakazoids churning. "Geez, will it include a rousing rendition of 'Jesusland uber alles', too?"
But Lott had his fun, anyway. The senator held a conference call Wednesday to detail his program, packed with gospel music, Mississippians and even a gospel singer from Mississippi.
Sure, there are standards such as "God of Our Fathers" and the national anthem. There also is "Let the Eagle Soar," written by soon-to-be-former Attorney General John Ashcroft.
In the inaugural equivalent of the pre-pregame, beginning at 10 a.m. on the West Front of the Capitol, a crowd of as many as 250,000 will hear the U.S. Naval Academy Glee Club, the Marine Band and the Alcorn State University Concert Choir. Alcorn State is in — drumroll, please — Mississippi.Perhaps, but can you imagine if Sen. Byrd (D - The Robert C. Byrd Joke About Where Robert C. Byrd Represents) were in charge of one? First thing, the inauguration would require the building of a bridge in West Virginia. A Robert C. Byrd bridge, in fact. There'd be extra tight security to keep out any white niggers. Then there'd be extra inspection of the Robert C. Byrd bandstands to make sure they are all double bolted. Oh, and plenty of Robert C. Byrd bunting. He do love the bunting. And finally, a fine, leatherbound Robert C. Byrd bible for the swearing in. And another bridge in West Virginia, just for good Robert C. Byrd measure.
Posted by fad at 6:26am
January 6th, 2005
Best Name In College Football
Jaworski Pollock
Posted by fad at 5:41pm
Probably Still Worth It
Remember a few weeks ago that story about a cell company in Australia offering to block you from calling numbers you specify in order to prevent drunk-dialing? Well, if you're one who needs this service, likely you don't. Anyway, it sounded like a great idea, but I did wonder what the cost would be. I wonder no more.For about 19 cents per attempted call, the company will block numbers of their client's choice during night hours to prevent regretful, presumably drunken phone calls. The company says 30 percent of their clients want to stop themselves from calling past loves, 36 percent want to prevent drunk dialing "anyone and everyone."19 cents per attempt. And you just know a drunk is going to frustratedly dial that number over and over again, too. What a brilliant business model.
Posted by fad at 4:52pm
Time Wasted
Don't you hate it when you spend time on a post only to realize the whole basis of it was due to a misreading? Well you should. Damn illiteracy. If only Castro would save me.
Posted by fad at 4:44pm
Forty Rods To The Hog's Head
Does this count as cultural destruction?The government launched a public information campaign Thursday to prepare Ireland's drivers for the imminent arrival of metric speed limits nationwide.Metric? Feh. Enjoy your inflated sense of speed, decimalites.
Transport Minister Martin Cullen said all 35,000 existing speed limit signs in miles would be taken down and replaced with metric signs in the few days before the Jan. 20 changeover.
Posted by fad at 3:12pm
Eat Each Other's Faces
Forget worries about our water and food supplies, terrorists are poisoning our hamster supplies.Pet hamsters are a potential source of serious infection, U.S. health officials warned on Thursday.As far as I could tell, the boy is ok now, but read this worrisome news.
[...]
Tularemia is caused by the bug Francisella tularensis, which is one of the most infectious germs known and for that reason is considered a potential biologic terrorism agent.
As outlined in the CDC's Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, the boy's family purchased six hamsters from a pet store in the Denver metropolitan area. Within a week, all of the hamsters died of diarrhea, but not before one of them bit the child on the finger.
Employees at the pet store reported that an unusual number of hamsters had died around the time the boy's family purchased the hamsters.Does the PATRIOT Act include anything about reading our pet store records, or is it just about library and book store records? Either way it's clear we're under full hamster attack.
Posted by fad at 2:17pm
Since The Commercial Has Been On A Lot Lately
Thankfully I have no need of it because I have to say that Herpecin is a terrible name for a product.UPDATE: But still not as stupid as The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
Posted by fad at 2:06pm
Death Wish
Ha! I knew my all pizza and foie gras diet wasn't bad for me.[A] new school of thought is emerging that says inflammation may play a larger role in heart disease than cholesterol levels.Starting tonight, that butter ain't just for bathing any more.
Posted by fad at 1:55pm
Der
Damn. Things sure are slow around here without all them guest posters.
Posted by fad at 1:46pm
Spicoli The General
Oliver Stone is shooting for a trifecta. Not only did Americans not go out in droves to see his movie (complete with silly accents) because we're all homophobic Jesus freaks, but we're also stupid and ignant.Director Oliver Stone said he hoped Alexander would be more popular in the UK than the US, where it was panned by critics.Yeah, that's it. Nothing like the fawning, Euro suck-up card as the last, desperate plea of an American too convinced of his own superiority. He's like those annoying, budding Anglophiles from high school or college, the type who started adding "u"s to words like "honor" and "color" or reversed the "er" in "theater" because it made them feel more better and classy comparatively.
"I think people in England are more educated about the ancient cultures and know quite a bit more about Alexander than my own country," he told reporters at the premiere.
Posted by fad at 11:42am
Blue Taint Sounds Much Dirtier Than It Is
We've all had our chuckle over Richard Gere speaking for the whole world (hey, he never said which one, you know), but reaction amongst the Palestinians is going to drive those who seek international love for their own affirmation crazy."I don't even know who the candidates are other than Abu Mazen (Mahmoud Abbas), let alone this Gere," Gaza soap factory worker Manar an-Najar told Reuters on Wednesday.Yes, even Richard Gere is soaked in the blue taint. Though why anyone would want the approval of people who are so narrowminded, they assume anyone of a nationality they meet believes the same things, I haven't understood yet.
"We don't need the Americans' intervention. We know who to elect. Not like them -- they elected a moron."
Posted by fad at 10:06am
An Inside Peek
The below post was supposed to include a joke involving the two primary rival gangs in "The Warriors". However, since these gangs are known as The Warriors and The Rogues, I figured everyone would think I was making a D&D joke and not the extra cool joke I really intended. Then you'd make fun of me, and I'd cry. Assholes.
Posted by fad at 7:24am
Sell Out
It is a distressing day when one of your heroes becomes one with The Man. He is now Media. Sold his soul for a damn job. I haven't felt this betrayed since I found out my childhood dog, Skittles, was really just a bucket of old Jell-O. Damn parents using my innate stupidity against me.
Posted by fad at 7:03am
Cabbage Is King
I don't care if it's Frenchified, sauerkraut is just good eatin'.
Posted by fad at 6:48am
Boring Man Brings Boredom
Oh yeah, and you're officially stuck with just me again. None of the guest posters have agreed to return. Some seemed a little miffed at their reception, but they are a sensitive lot, these intellectuals. So back to witty comments on stories about skunks wandering into ketchup factories, or whatever the hell it is I do around here.
Posted by fad at 6:33am
Whyyyyyyyy????
Shoot, did you know this is an important holiday?1994: Mystery assailant attacks top US skaterWow, eleven years already. Today will be the tenth time I recreate this upon some random, unsuspecting person. Amazingly, they all react the same way by sobbing and not participating in the US skating championship. It truly is a beautiful tradition. I'll have to make tonight's extra special.
An unknown man brandishing a metal crowbar has attacked American figure-skater Nancy Kerrigan.
Posted by fad at 6:25am
January 5th, 2005
Only Locals Will Understand
It is to my great disappointment that Becky appears to be doing well enough of late to afford commercial time earlier than 1am.
Posted by fad at 6:20pm
Red Hanky
Damn. I saw this -- rams.league.nfl.com -- in the logs and got excited that Mike Martz found my site and was going to challenge one of my posts. Unfortunately, it was just a local employee looking for information about a made-for-SciFi-network movie starring Judd Nelson that was filmed around here.
Posted by fad at 4:09pm
Back Is Slightly Better
I'd like to thank all my guest posters today. I think by tomorrow I should be back up to full speed providing you with my usual assortment of stupid jokes and self-hatred.
Posted by fad at 3:35pm
Posted Several Times A Year On Her Site, So Why Not Here Too
I will be on braek to recharge. I don't understand a thing, rihght now. Must recharge to use the brains.-- Margo Kingston
Posted by fad at 3:07pm
Zeeble
"Summary: Bush's Social Security plan"Now, we have documented proof that has been documented that documents that this is all a false crisis to aid the rich even more with greater tax cuts as the documented documents of social security promises to the documented poor are documented to be broken.
There is no crisis in social security. This is documented. It is just another false crisis by the Bush administration to hide from the crimes -- that are documented -- committed from day one. Any problem with social security is easily fixed by raising taxes. As an economist, I understand that available capital in private hands has no bearing on economic activity. However, available capital in the government's does. It's documented.
-- Paul Krugman
Posted by fad at 2:43pm
He Has A Point
Jazzbo clowns dancing a dildo dance. Raspberry white smoke and KY as Rumsfeld pounds a repression beat on skin bongos, his eyes inky black as Satan's morning stool. We're coming for you, George. Lace and timber, we are coming for you.-- Mark Morford on Social Security Reform.
Posted by fad at 2:07pm
Bonus Post
" Puppies stolen in house burglary"Puppies? Who would steal puppies?!?
The thieves left behind four other puppies during the burglary.Awwww.....poor little guys are gonna miss their brothers and sisters. This makes me so mad I could spit.
-- Germaine Greer, privately to herself.
Posted by fad at 2:05pm
The Impressive Roster Of Guest Posters Grows
A horrible, but all too typical and expected, story of violence from America.Two young girls, 13 and 14, who are accused of fatally beating a woman during a robbery in the victim's home, were ordered on Thursday to remain in the custody of the St. Louis Family Court's juvenile detention facility.We will ignore for now the attempts to diminish these young women by calling them girls and focus on what this event actually says about our societies, in particular America. At first this story appears to be a tale of typically violent America. Many may be surprised to learn that young women committed the violence. But, I ask you, did they really have a choice? In the end, most likely not. These young women have been brought up in a world that informs them that they cannot succeeded without acting like men. They see a world in which the male values of violence, rape, right and wrong, competition, victor and loser rule. Of course when such a society creates a desperation in them and keeps them down they will begin to act out in a manner they have been taught to understand is the only way. Notice that they used a lamp and a statue. Consider the shape of such things. Yet more signs of male aggressiveness that we -- so blinded by the constructs of society -- willingly bring into our home. Yes, in order to "succeed", these young women felt the need to wield a phallus. It is unsurprising, then, that violence -- especially violence against a woman -- followed.
[...]
[T]he robbery didn't go as planned. [The victim] didn't have the money the girls imagined and was fatally beaten with various household items such as a table lamp and a statue after she had let the girls into her home
[...]
None of the three suspects has shown any sign of remorse, said an investigator close to the case. "Their only remorse is that they got caught," the investigator said.
It is quite clear that men and male aggressiveness as expressed and held dominate in society, especially the squalid, raw version practised in America, is the real root of this crime. Men and their society deserve the blame.
-- Germaine Greer
Posted by fad at 12:59pm
Yet Another Guest Poster
Everyone's a doody head but me!-- Nick Coleman
Posted by fad at 12:36pm
Magnet Rot Shows US Rot
Only recently did it come to light over here that trend jumping Americans have taken to putting politically themed magnets on their automobiles.Moisture can build up behind the magnet and do damage, especially if there are scratches or contaminants in the areaIn a truly just society, such sloppy and damaging individual expression would not take place. A true society would let its causes be celebrated through government proclimations and well funded, well thought out public arts programmes. It would also have long ago limited the use of individual automobiles and placed such proper messages of cause support in clearly seen areas of the public transportation.
[...]
Normally, any marks left behind can be rubbed off, he said, but permanent damage is possible, requiring paint repair. Some reports say the problem may be worse on dark-colored cars or with prolonged sunshine exposure.
Also, buyers should not assume the money will benefit troops, fight cancer or help other causes. Profits simply may be lining the pockets of individuals or businesses.This last speaks quite clearly to the folly of individual charity as I mentioned early. Only the state can be properly trusted to manage wealth correctly. Mostly, though, I fear the irony of placing a magnet on one's automobile to support occupiers in an illegal war for oil will be lost on most Americans. Actually, I fear most that it isn't.
-- Polly Toynbee
Posted by fad at 10:41am
Another Guest Poster
(My back went out last night and hasn't returned. Thankfully another guest poster -- who has his own site, but hardly anyone reads it -- asked for some space for a brief rebuttal.)Recently, certain neanderthal knuckleheads -- as the delightful Maureen Dowd might say -- made mention that due to my unapologetic cheering on of Gaia's righteous death and destruction brought on by her hurricanes, I must be delighted with the death and destruction from the tsunami. Or at least that is the gist of what they wrote. I did not bother to read too closely. I mean, have you seen where these people live? Just to get these odd accusations on the internet must have required getting the one semi-literate person in town to take time away from writing all his KKK and homophobic pamphlets in order to type this up.
I will try to go a little slow and use smaller words than my intellect and self-congratulatory audience would normally require. As usual, these Jesus obsessed freaks have missed all the subtle nuances of an intellectual position. Nuance one: Hurricanes are not tsunamis. Can the difference be more obvious than that? I was cheering for the big, spinny, windy things, not the crashing, streaming wavy thing. Nuance two: I actually know people who holiday in Thailand; I don't know a single person who would holiday in those parts of Florida, Mississippi, or -- god and muses forbid -- Alabama that were hit by Gaia's revenge this summer. Hence, there could be no tragedy.
The subtleties of this obviousness is probably well beyond the comprehension of those trogs, though. They're too busy greeting each other with a "Heil Jesus!" and numbing themselves with NASCAR.
-- James Wolcott
Posted by fad at 9:28am
Introducing A Guest Poster
(I'm still not feeling up to it today, so I invited a guest poster to handle at least this morning's duties. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Polly Toynbee.)As the seas receeded after Nature's ravaging back at humanity, they left exposed once again the raw greed at the heart of America. The paltry -- then quickly and laughingly increased by pittance -- aid from a silent President is the most obvious. However, the typical rightist excuses and attempts at rationalisations expose it even more. We are told by these apologists of the great charitable giving that has been seen in the United States. But what does this "charity" really prove? That the people had dispensable wealth means they were hoarding more than they needed in the first place. That the people had so much dispensable wealth even after their orgy of materialistic spending leading into Christmas shows an even great sickness. One must assume as well that the people did not transfer all their excess wealth. Not even the most cynical rightist would try to make us believe that. Therefore they are hoarding even more wealth for themselves. Wealth that is unaccounted for by society.
Rightists would have us believe that all this individual charity demonstrates a compassionate, civilized society. But what has the individual to do with society? I tell you nothing. The individual stands apart from society, hindering its power for progress and ability to give the people those things which they truly need and truly desire. Society is the only civilized thing, and the government is society writ positive. They are reflections of each other; they are one and the same. The individual weakens society and the state through disjointing of the common vision. As pointed out above, if these individuals had not been hoarding wealth, imagine what programmes the state could have created for society. Imagine which programmes would not be under funded. There truly could be full and proper healthcare, full and proper literacy and a vibrant arts fueled by the power and dynamism of a society working through its reflection, the state.
That these individuals still must pool their money with various differing charities also proves the folly of so-called individual donations. What inefficiencies are introduced by having multiple collectives supposedly seeking the same goal? The obvious and best answer is to have only one, and the obvious and best one is the state which is most equipped to reflect the compassion of its society. The compassionate, civilized society espoused by these rightists merely shows the fracturing nature of individualism gone mad. It shines light on a system that allows some to hoard the wealth as others starve and suffer at their whim. Quite frankly, it exposes the fangs of the monster.
--Polly Toynbee
Posted by fad at 6:24am
January 4th, 2005
Lots Of Nothing
I'm always a bit torn about "There won't be any posts for a while" posts (like the one that was up last night into this morning). Too often those posts are quickly made obsolete because almost every time I do one of those, it is immediately followed by a flurry of 20 or so new posts within a couple hours proving me to be a liar and a fool. On one hand, it's rather obvious there are no new posts as evidenced by the fact that there are no new posts. But it does seem somewhat polite to mention that I am still around, the site isn't dead and that those posts which make your day so special will be returning sometime soon.So anyway, I'm in a mood that prevents me from posting. I don't know when I'll shake it, but when I do, you'll be the first to know. Well, the first on your block at least. And only after you stop by and see the new posts and say to yourself, "Hey! New posts! Keen! Now this donut doesn't taste so much like bitter ashes!"
UPDATE: Ok, the real reason is because I'm avoiding you. Yeah, you. Happy now?
Posted by fad at 1:24pm