Farm Accident Digest

December 20th, 2004

Burned Out Feeling Years Ago

As it is well established that I am a fucking idiot, I thought I'd take the time to discuss one of the more well known manifestations of this idiocy: the fact that I wear shorts pretty much no matter the weather conditions, but only in winter is it really noticed. For this purpose, "winter" is defined as "a time when you commonly have two days in a row where temperatures do not go above freezing", not just those months in a more temperate place.

Today I thought I'd help out others who may wish to try this by explaining how it is done.

The first thing to understand is that the cold is not your enemy; wind is. Even a small breeze. I have stood in shorts out in 5 degree, windless weather and not even had to put any effort into it. I actually believe shorts feel warmer on a windless day than pants or jeans because with pants, the material gets really cold and touches the skin. It's like the difference between being out on a 60 degree day or dunked in a 60 degree tank of water. However, once the wind starts blowing, 25 and below get awful tough. Take this into mind when you're just starting out at this. Always check the weather before going out. Carefully, I must add. I once saw it was 22 degrees out, hopped about my business, remarked to someone later that it seemed awful cold for 22 only to have them inform me that I had overlooked that little "-" in front of the 22. Wear the shorts on calm days, then work up to the windier ones, but don't be overly stupid. The worst I ever went to was walking out when there was a -70 wind chill. You don't want to go that far. Allow my idiocy to be your guide here.

Next, realize that you are really only exposing a very small amount of skin to the elements. Bundle up the rest of yourself -- especially the extremities -- and it gets even easier. A nice winter coat that goes below the waist (my old one was long enough sometimes it looked like I was going completely pantless out in the cold. Yup, that's why I was such a devil with the ladies), good gloves, good shoes with thick socks. If all the important areas are warm, then you won't notice the bit of cold on your legs. One added tip that is probably only helpful to the womyn out there: leg hair does make a noticeable difference.

Now the real trick. You have to be aware of the cold, but also separated from it. If you can stay distracted, somewhat ignoring it, then it's easier to do. This part is a little hard to explain, but it comes down to an attitude of, "Yes, I know it's cold, but I simply refuse to feel it." Practice is necessary to build this up. The one thing most that can shatter any concentration or the ability to maintain out in the cold is if you let yourself shiver. Once you shiver, it's over. Get inside as soon as possible. Another sign to get inside because you've taken it too far is when your knees hurt. Now I'm not talking the skin, but the inside of the joint itself starting to ache really bad. That was really in evidence in the -70 wind chill mentioned above.

Lastly, you need to have a little patience with your fellow man. This is considered an odd behavior by most, so many will feel the need to comment on this as if you are not aware you are wearing shorts. These range from the angry/bitchy end where once, while walking passed some dorms someone yelled out, "This is fucking Wisconsin, you goddamn idiot!" (this was early in my development as an idiot). Another time, checking in to a building, the woman there, in a clipped and bitchy tone, said, "Aren't you cold?" You will hear this one a lot. My favorite response -- being the one I gave to that woman -- "Well of course I am! I'm wearing shorts for God's sake!"

After the angry/bitchy ones, will come the ones that question your sanity. The best one of these happened as I walked passed the art building when some guy, pierced to all hell around his face, looked at me and said, "Are you crazy?!?!"

Finally, there will be the attempts at comedy. What I got a lot, after someone learned I had just moved to the midwest from southern California was this, "California, eh? Cold enough for ya?" "Um...I'm wearing shorts. I think I've adapted." But you won't have to have just moved to get the "Cold enough for ya?" line. It is a definite favorite amongst those who cannot let a shorts wearer in winter go by without comment.

So, with a little patience and practice, you too can be ridiculed and thought touched in the head by all who see you out and about during those wonderous couple months of winter.

I wore sandals all year, even when I lived in MN, because they were allowed by our office dress code, and my feet just don't get cold. But I'd still have to wear a hat. Because brrrrr.

But seriously, having had piercings in the past, they are a LOT more painful in cold weather than bare legs, or bare feet. I can't even think how much an eyebrow ring would hurt, since it's right on bone and exposed to the wind.

Posted By Tanya on Dec 20th, 2004 at 9:49am

I know I should have worn hats in the cold, but I just hate wearing them. Usually the hood of the jacket did the job well enough. Plus, it's the ears that usually suffer the most. Hats generally don't cover them as well as hoods.

As for pierced guy, I couldn't even respond to him as I was quite convinced he was the crazier in the situation.

Posted By fad on Dec 20th, 2004 at 9:54am

If women can wear skirts in wintertime (and Scotsmen, kilts), then men wearing shorts in wintertime shouldn't be difficult.

I wouldn't do it, but...

Posted By McGehee on Dec 20th, 2004 at 1:01pm

I get mixed feedback from women about skirts in winter. Some say nylons/tights make it no big deal. Others have told me they make it worse. I haven't as of yet conducted my own test because no one will give me a grant for it.

Posted By fad on Dec 20th, 2004 at 1:06pm

But we can wear boots that come up to our knees in a skirt. I'm pretty sure knee-high boots with shorts is actionable, even if you aren't a prostitute.

Posted By Tanya on Dec 20th, 2004 at 3:20pm

I do just the opposite: I wear long sleeves and heavy jeans even in the hottest Florida weather. Sure, my explanation is that I am in airconditioning most of the time, but the real reason is I hate summer (hot, humid, bug-and-sunstroke-filled Florida summer, which lasts about ten months of the year) and live for those few days when the temperature drops down to something reasonable, like 39 degrees Fahrenheit. You're kind of like my Bearded Spock World self.

Posted By Andrea Harris on Dec 20th, 2004 at 5:08pm

When I was a kid in California, I always wore long pants and a windbreaker whenever I was out. I couldn't stand to go out in public without my windbreaker on, no matter how hot it got.

Posted By fad on Dec 20th, 2004 at 5:10pm