Farm Accident Digest

February 27th, 2004

Aw...there's no Friday Five today. I'll just have to answer 5 random-ass questions.

1. Are you now or have you ever been a communist?

Senator McCarthy, I keep telling you: you're dead. You can't ask questions anymore. Now stop talking in my head so that there's more time for that chick from New Mexico who tells me how cool I am all the time.

2a. If you could be a tree, any tree, which tree would you be?

The Mambibian Death Tree of Fire. It has the prettiest flowers. And causes mass death. Via fire.

2b. Which would you not be?

John Kerry. Ok, that's just a recycled Al Gore joke, but at least Kerry has that whole bark-face thing going.

3. What's 2+2?

That's a tough one, Chuck. Can I call you Chuck? No? Oh yeah, you're me. Anyway, when approaching a situation like this, one must be careful not to startle them. Wait until they are nice and logy and then pounce! Now you were sure to preboil a vat of water, right? Once the hippie is in hand, just drop him in the water for about 30 seconds. That really doesn't do anything except causing a lot of pain, but sure sounds fun. No, the only way to kill a hippie is to stake a "NO TRESPASSING" sign through their heart.

Oh wait, sorry. I misread the question. The answer is 4.

4. How would you describe your novel?

It's a disturbing tale of erotic dystopia set in a futuristic canning plant. You don't want to know what we do with vegetables in the future, but my work of staggering genius forces you to confront those fears.

5. How much time did you waste writing all this up?

A lot. And it was worth every lost minute of it.